Holding On and Letting Go at the same time

This is probably the last reasonable chunk of time I’m going to have to myself before I take off for vacation. I feel really great about my kinks right now. I had a great time with Miss Mitsu earlier this week and a video we did went up online.

The title of this post is something she said to me as she started sliding a glass dildo up my ass: “…holding on and letting go at the same time…” That’s not just the key to successful anal penetration, it’s kind of the key to life.

That’s how I’m thinking about Mitsu lately, the nature of our relationship. The holding on is the easy part; it’s the letting go AND holding on that’s challenging. It’s difficult not to think of her frequently, sometimes obsessively, but I’ve been trying a technique from what I’ve learned about meditation. In seeking peaceful abiding, one of the first things is to train your mind to let go of thoughts that distract your focus from your breath. Instead of fighting intrusive thoughts, acknowledge them, then let them go. 

So when I think of Miss Mitsu, I sometimes choose to relish it — maybe relive a session moment or fantasize about future play — but I sometimes simply acknowledge the thought and send it on its way. That seems to be working fairly well. I think I’m finding a good balance for how BDSM practice fits into my life. I’m also feeling more confident both of my desires and my true physical and mental delight. I have a real sense of accomplishment about what I’ve been doing. I’m proud of myself for finally following through on exploring something that has been a part of me for as long as I can remember.

Another thing Mitsu said was:

“I’m just training you so you can take it really rough and fast.”

Which is very exciting. And once again I’m going to move from anal penetration to the world of Buddhist meditation: the basic idea is that the mind is a naturally calm and strong thing. It’s the swirl of distracting thoughts and our efforts to maintain a public persona — the constant struggle for ME! — that throw us off balance. Once we train the mind toward calmness, we will be able to remain balanced even in the roughest and fastest storms.

I get thrown off balance a lot. I’m starting to feel the strength at my center — strength I’m building through yoga and meditation and S&M. 

And then she said:

“You like it when Mommy’s mean to you and nice to you…”

Yes.

Yes I do.