I have seen darker days

In my last post I referred to the “dark pre-Mitsu days” and I’ve been thinking about that time a lot lately. Specifically, I’m thinking about my upcoming week of bachelorhood — my girlfriend is going to visit California for a week and I will be on my own in the city. I’ve been thinking of all kinds of mischief I can get up to while she’s away as well as issues of isolation and self-destruction.

When she would leave town in the past I would fill my head with all sorts of kinky plans and self-indulgent fantasies. I would scan the internet for information about kinky parties or club nights or whatever. I would browse S&M listings and contemplate scheduling a session with a Pro. I would search alt.com for hours hoping to find someone to be naughty with.

And 99% of the time I would end up drunk, alone, and miserable in my apartment. There’s a lyric in one of my favorite songs that comes to mind:

I feel trapped by mutual affection

and I don’t know how to use freedom

I dearly love my girlfriend, but I’ve also had this wad of desires for so very long. It took a long long time for me to get to where I am today, and it’s a hell of a thing to look back on the darker days from this new perspective.

In the past, I would spend the two weeks before my girlfriend’s departure combing the web for every fetish event in the tri-state area. Even when I was lucky enough for an event like SMACK or Byte to fall during one of her trips it never worked out. I would masturbate myself into an absolute phrenzy of anticipation. I would dress up in my latex, play with some toys, snap some auto-erotic photos, and disappear into the world of internet porn. Then I would chicken out and not go. Sometimes I would sabotage myself with booze — end up soused by 9:30/10:00 and realize I was in no condition to leave the house.

I did manage to get out to a couple of events. Once I attended an open house at Nutcracker. That was one of the better adventures, but I didn’t get so far as booking a session. There were some very hot and friendly dommes there — I don’t remember any names, this was probably 6 years ago or more — but I ended up leaving before too long. One moment that sticks in my mind is when I was sitting near this woman (someone who worked in the dungeon but wasn’t a domme) talking about Hedda Lettuce. I made some gesture or comment that indicated I knew who Hedda Lettuce was and this woman was amazed and asked me directly — “You know who Hedda Lettuce is?”

Then it struck me that what I found uncomfortable about this open house was the vibe I got from the other potential clients. In my mind, if you’re interested in S&M some familiarity with the great drag queens of New York is a natural fit. This little exchange just pointed out to me that such an attitude might be an exception among the clientele. I also didn’t really know what a session would be like since I had never worked up the nerve to try. I’m sure I went home and had a few beers and beat off in my latex underpants. 

That’s not so dark; that was definitely a step in the right direction. The dark days were the times I ended up at sleazy strip clubs, drunk off my ass and throwing money down the toilet. I don’t even want to think about those times.

I want to think about how far I have come. I sometimes fear that I sound like a commercial for Rapture, but I would not be where I am with my kink if it weren’t for that place. I found them about 18 months ago, but I didn’t really pay close attention to the site until last November. I was determined that the next time my girl left town I would not fall into the same debauchery again. I carefully read all the domme profiles then picked up the phone and booked a session with Mitsu. 

I came close to chickening out once again, but something made me climb those stairs and I have never regretted it. Today as I think about the mischief I’ll get up to when my girlfriend is away, it makes me really happy to know it won’t involve waking up with a profound hangover and bitter remorse. Rapture is so much safer than the Hustler Club or some stranger’s apartment. “A safe place to do dangerous things” is my favorite description of that place.

So yet another giant THANK YOU to Miss Mitsu and all the lovelies — including the behind the scenes lovelies — of Rapture.

I’ll be seeing you soon.