Pleasures and wayward distractions

I spent a lot of this week sleepwalking through work and obsessively tending to my wounds from last Sunday’s adventure. Last night I saw Mitsu for a video shoot and was invited to stick around to serve as a training dummy for a quick CBT lesson. And tonight I’m going to see her again. After tonight, it will probably be a few weeks before I can session with her again.

I’m sure I’m just overthinking everything, as I tend to do, but I’m just trying to cope with a whole lot of new and strange thoughts and feelings. I think the very biggest thing I’m grappling with is what I wrote in my very first entry on this blog:

Something I am learning about myself is that I am a masochist. I intend to use this space to explore exactly what that means.

Maybe it’s the result of spending so many years on the outside looking in — feeling like a cowardly “wannabe” — that makes it strange for me to accept and acknowledge that I’ve reached the other side. At this point, there really is no doubt that I find great sexual satisfaction in pain. Or, rather, sensations most people would describe as “pain” but I find quite delightful.

This shit is intense. The mental aftershocks of receiving 100 needles will last long after the wounds have faded from my flesh. I’m definitely proud of myself; I don’t regret a single thing. Acting out dark fantasies has been a deeply rewarding adventure. And loads of fun.

And maybe there isn’t anything to be figured out or decided or resolved. Maybe I’m just feeling like a shook-up snow globe right now and soon the storm in my mind will settle. Which takes me back to yoga and what Baron Baptiste says. He says something about yoga practice helping to calm the mind so that we can find that center of stillness in the midst of the storm of thoughts and feelings.

One big thing I have learned is that S&M isn’t one thing. Everybody’s kink is their own, and I’m getting a pretty good sense of what mine is. So much of it is so counter intuitive — an electrified rod down my urethra feels GOOD? — maybe that’s an obstacle to relaxing and just accepting it?

And then there’s Mitsu. I’m simply fascinated by her, and that fascination keeps changing shape. Early on, it felt very much like a high school crush — I was eager to know all the most mundane details of her life. Does Mitsu like soup? What’s her cat’s name? and so on. I think that kind of curiosity is a natural response to the clear limits on the Pro/client relationship.

Then there were times, usually the days immediately following a session, when I would embrace the unknowability. There’s a certain thrill in the contrast of intimacy and anonymity of our relationship. What would be lost if I DID know all the mundane details?

Whatever this relationship is, it’s unique. If no two people’s kinks are the same, no two D/s relationships are the same. Whatever ours is, it is wonderful.